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Tuesday, November 22, 2005


What's stopping you?

Not going to things always makes me feel guilty. The trouble is, everything sounds so fun and exciting that I always want to go when the idea first comes up. "Dinner on Thursday? Sure!" I chirp merrily, momentarily forgetting that I have already committed to doing a 6-hour workshop for 13-year-old gifted kids that day. That amount of personal interaction, working on so many levels, is completely exhausting, and I will need to do a lot of nothing to get my head back together afterwards. So I jam out at the last minute and beat myself up for it.

I need to spend a vast amount of time simply taking care of myself. This is really frustrating and I rebel against it mightily every day. I want to get more stuff done, but in order to take care of me, I have to cut back. This balance isn't easy to maintain and honouring it often stops me dead. Even now, I'm thinking about ditching my morning meditation so that I can write a proposal. But I know that if I do make the proposal a higher priority, I will pay for it later.

I suppose this is what it is like when you work in service of a larger vision, when you see the needs all around you and just want to get on with meeting them. It's so different to all my other jobs, where I could easily let go at the end of a work day. The only way I can see to transcend my physical time limitations is to work in a team, and that just takes more time away from the work. Besides, who on earth would I get to work with me on this esoteric quest?! I'm reading The Fabric of the Cosmos to try and find another way....

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Oh, I started to read this on my Hawaiian vacation! It's a great book. I really like how he explains relativity. It helped me to grasp it, and I experimented with trying to experience my subjective reality in that way. Sort of weird, but interesting. I wonder if we experience our subjective reality more like actual physical reality, how it would affect our thinking?

I too have a quest. I bet there are more people than you know who could team up with you on different levels. I think all the great accomplishers of quests had help.

Good luck! And I hear you about the taking time for yourself thing - so neccesary.
I have always required a great deal of time to myself to remain sane. I also find it very draining to spend time in a large group of people. People describe me as extraverted, funny, witty and insightful...well, it takes a lot of energy to be that way and a lot of time to recoup that energy.

I am also guilty of backing out of many an invitation. Frankly, I prefer the company of myself and my immediate family to most people. Hmm, I realize that sounds very hermit like but that's how it is :-)
I used to have incredible problems taking care of myself. Non-stop movement, racing around - because, as you say, "Everything is so interesting!!"

But I have spent the last four months doing a whole lot of nothing except taking care of myself. There is nothing better! Yes - meditate. Yes - decline invitations. Yes - wang out because you don't feel like it today.

Over time, I have found that behaving like this has enabled me to identify my true priorities, and so focus my energies and strengths where they serve me best.
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